Another one??!?!

Omg. Writing again in just a few days. What has gotten into her you ask? Is she sick? Did she fall and hit her head?? (Maybe, I've got bruises I don't remember getting so thats entirely possible)

I guess what it is is that I've been digging deeper into myself lately. Kind of a scary thought for one such as me. I'm quite happy (well not happy so much as content with the status quo?) to live on the surface and not have to think or feel about too much. I don't really like dealing with people super much and that reflects in my attitude. Plus the wall around me is just too much effort.

Shit. I'm sitting here squinting at the computer screen in the damn dark trying to type as fast as I can to get this over with. You'd think I could just save and leave, but I'm determined to get a little bit written out, even if any person who floats through has trouble reading because all of the typos. I mean I've warned you havent I? ITS AT THE TOP. Coming to a blog to read and then not reading... geeze. Details people. Details.

Anyways back to it. I'm tired so once again no details too in depth. I'm thinking but not willing to lay it open for no one to read. Yes. I do realize that no one will read this except me in a few months. I'll think about why I wrote this and while I'll be glad it's not me bitching about work (I could you know... I'm good at bitching), it'll still seem mediocre to me. And if you are reading this, I think you probably have too much time on your hands and should take up something productive like knitting. At least you get warm if weird looking clothes from it.

So. Here's for positive thinking, Jacob in heaven, going to a church that's not religious, and love.

Until next time,

Nicole

Times change

Normal begining is how I'm doing. I'm doing okay. Sadly things have changed without really changing. Jacob died a few days before his due date. On Nov 12, 2008 Dawn went for a check up and learned he had died. I think the hardest thing was that the night before he had been kicking and kicking. I really can't go through the details again. It's stuck in my head and I dont want to. It's crazy how when something like this happens, your whole view on things change.

It's been a few weeks and one since his funeral. I'm kinda back to my normal self but there are moments where it hits me in the face. I close my eyes and I see his beautiful face. I remind myself that God is bigger than this and there is purpose but I'm one of the people that is pissed at abortion. I hate seeing a child hurt or die. I can't stand it. It made me helpless to see him and I can't even fathom how it made Joseph and Dawn feel. Would I survive it? They don't know if they can have another child and I wish I could know I could offer them my help. I just don't think I could hold a child in me 9 months and let him/her go. Probably makes me a horrible person. I'd bet with it but I'm usually wrong so who knows?

I'm still behind this wall of mine. Go figure.

~For Jacob Anthony~

If you asked me to die for you I would

My life has been my own to choose

If I could give up my future happiness

I would tie it up in a colored ribbon of blues

If my hands could hold yours for a second

And see your soul when you opened your eyes

I would count myself forever blessed

To be in a world where no baby dies

November 13, 2008